I still vividly remember the moment that the doctor said “it’s a girl!” Then I was holding my tiny little baby with very confused feeling of amazement, worry and tiredness (of course I stayed up night and spent 12 exhausted hours of laboring). By the time my mom was on the way flying from Korea, I couldn’t finish my master thesis yet and my husband was scheduling to make a business trip to South Pole for his research in a few months later. The afternoon that I delivered my first baby at hospital in a small town in Pennsylvania, I felt like I am somewhat connected to this country and everything seems so strange to me at the same time.
Four years ago, my lovely girl was born in the middle of such a mixed up and I have become a mom. Having a baby was on a totally different page of my life throughout marriage, living in foreign country as well as my own values and identities. I need to start building up my new identity ‘as a mom’ from the beginning like when I had arrived in U. S. first time. It was more challenging than defining just myself, because my baby always needed my help even though I cannot get some help for myself sometimes. My baby was always in the center of my daily living, in my mind and even in my unconscious. The more I spent time to take care of her, the more depressed I became and it seemed forever for me to keep loosing myself. In the mean time, our family moved to berkeley and we started over in a new place.
Whole new environment gave me a refreshing idea and challenges altogether. Finally I have started a book club, tutor students in mathematic with Yvonne’s advice and I make new friends through my daughter’s friends. These days, my 4-year-old girl sings a song “Rudolf the red nosed reindeer” learned from her preschool and she dressed up as a fairy princess on last Halloween’s day. Raising a kid provides me a chance to recall my childhood and to picture of future of child.Then I get to think about objective issues such as human being, life or world.
I still complain about the poor public transportation, expensive education and medical bills, but I know I can have quality family time here and nice memory of traveling, instead. Soon I realize that my life becomes richer and more meaningful as parenting. I am growing together with my kids and I am picturing my family with my second baby who is on the way now.
Susan